You may as well face it, you’re a serial killer…

They say there is a fine line between good and evil, between love and hate, between genius and insanity, between Speed and Speed 2.

We tread such lines everyday, just like we’re walking on bubble wrap, or trying not to spread the blood.

The simple, undeniable truth is that if you are a person ruthlessly committed to succeed, to be liked and worshipped, to fill an empty void, to have a creative outlet and to give meaning to an otherwise pointless life, you’re either going to be a dedicated comedian or a deranged serial killer.

You’ll have a insatiable urge to kill, either metaphorically or literally.

In fact, many comics get into comedy so that they don’t go on a murderous rampage. For some weird reason, we live in a world where we applaud those who make us laugh and shy away from the ones that make us dead. Go figure.

Main differences between comics and serial killers:

- comics write jokes, serial killers write manifestos.
- comics walk around their apartment talking to themselves to rehearse a new routine. Killers talk to themselves to decide whether they should leave a rose or a red clown nose as a calling card next to the bodies.
- comics want to “bring the house down”. Killers want to burn the house down.
- comics want to make you scream with laughter. Serial killers laugh insanely at the way you scream.

Similarities between comics and serial killers:
- absolutely everything else….don’t approach either on your own.

So as I write this from a bunker, covered in clippings from TV week, scribbling on a notepad made of human skin, with a photo of Bruce Samazan on the cover, remember I’ll either see you from a stage or in court.

Either way, I’ll be remembered for what I do…

Read that as you will.

Website: www.talentcake.com/dane-hiser

Sexy live comedy event: www.laughyourtitsoff.blogspot.com

A new twist on live comedy – Media Release

Media Release – September 2011
Mixing ‘the sexy’ and ‘the funny’ in a new twist on live comedy

On 28 September at FBi Social at the Kings Cross Hotel, rising stand up comedian and experienced marketer, Dane Hiser, launches a comedy event that puts a new, sexy and flirty twist on the traditional live comedy night.

The aim is to inject new life into the often ‘up and down’ Sydney comedy scene by “giving audiences a fun, playful and social experience that is more akin to going to a trendy nightclub, than sitting in a darkened pub or theatre and leaving when the show is finished,” Mr Hiser says.

The event, with the tongue-in-cheek name, ‘Laugh Your Tits Off’, unites hardworking comic professionals and regulars at clubs and festivals around Australia, and in a few cases, internationally, with talented up and comers, and a very special mystery guest to be revealed on the night (hint: Australian TV and radio star).

Mr Hiser says that the venue, the FBi Social, a temporary turned permanent performance space at the Kings Cross Hotel, with a casual layout that includes couches, cushions and standing areas by the bar, “was specifically chosen as the perfect environment for a bright, relaxed, social and flirty night. The FBi Social hasn’t done a full comedy night in this space before and are keen to give it a go, believing it has potential.”

Featuring:
• Cam Knight – ‘Stand Up Australia, ‘The Jesters’ and ‘Good News Week’
“Pure chemistry…a great raconteur; relaxed and in control, knows how to relate to the audience,” The Age.
• Dave Eastgate – ‘Stand Up Australia ’, ‘Review with Myles Barlow’ and ‘Thursday Night Live’. “f*#%ing beautiful,” Robin Williams.
• Dave Jory – Triple J, ‘Stand Up Australia ’, ‘Last Comic Standing’. “Had me howling at an embarrassing level…genuinely funny” – Beat Magazine.
• Toby Coleman – ‘Voted in Top Ten Shows at the Sydney Comedy Festival 2010’
• Sam McCool – ‘Can of Worms’ (cameo), ‘The Glasshouse’ (Guest writer)
Ambitious character comedy pulled off with ease and style. “A wonderful theatrical/stand up hybrid,” The Groggy Squirrel.
And, rising stars:
• Dane Hiser – “Very funny, smartly written and unique. Hilarious, and arousing at the same time,” Mikey Robins.
• Michele Betts – “Will have you looking at women, obesity and boganism in hilarious ways that you never thought possible,” fellow comic.
• Christina Van Look – “Her gag about her ex-husband is now one of my all-time favourites. Genius!”, Fiona O’Loughlin.

PLUS, the special mystery guest and music by FBi Radio’s very own DJ Jack Sh*t.

Mr Hiser insists that this initiative is not ‘a new room’, but a one off event that may turn into a series of spread out regular events (ie: monthly or every two month) if successful. “With a weekly or fortnightly comedy room, it is hard to maintain the momentum and keep energy and audiences up. It can has been done very well, but the success of events like the growing Sydney Comedy Festival, the Just for Laughs Festival and shows held by high profile Australian and international acts, show that people, particularly in Sydney, are drawn to the idea of a special event that they can take time to plan and get excited about.”

Mr Hiser, says with tongue firmly in cheek, “Its sexy comedy on a Wednesday, giving a whole new meaning to the term “hump day.”

Book your tickets now through Oz Tix, via fbisocial.com. Tickets only $16 online (plus BF), or $22 at the door. More information: www.laughyourtitsoff.blogspot.com

Media inquiries: Dane Hiser on 0401 166 860

Buyer beware….breasts in the area…

When I go shopping for clothes, specifically in Tarocash, I have the tendency to mistake an aggressive sales strategy by attractive women with their boobs out as flirting.

I’m not alone – many guys are familiar with the financial perils of shopping at Tarocash. You go in there to buy a vest, fall under the spell of the scandalous temptresses, and walk out with: two vests, two pairs of pants, three shirts, a pair of shoes, a belt and a sense of regret.

Seriously, I go in there, fall unconscious and wake up an hour later at the bus stop with a new wardrobe, an erection, and my cash missing.

You could go in to buy a shirt, and they say, “you know, a pair of charcoal pants would go well with that”, then “you know what babe? Can I just get you to try on a pair of these hot new black shoes we just got in? Just so you see how the pants sit around at the ankles?” Then, “Have you seen our reversible black and white belt? The black will go well with what you’re trying on now, and the white side will go well with this hot other shirt I’ll get you to try on.” Then she throws in, like a grenade, “this is my favourite shirt”. Game over.

She may as well say, “you know what will go well with the shirt, the pants, the belt and the shoes? This bucket. Here, pop this on your head. Oh yeah, hun that’s hot. This is my favourite bucket right now. We just got it in from overseas. It’s exclusive to this store. And I’ll tell you what, because you’re my favourite customer and you are doing a big shop, I’ll take 25% off the bucket.”

This is why I worry about the positioning of the pockets in men’s pants – because you should never, ever give your penis close access to cash.

AND…every time you visit the same store it’s always different saleswomen! I have never seen the same harlot in the store more than once!! It’s like they alternate the schedule of hotness from some penthouse in Pyrmont, to orchestrate the perfect pincer move and strike their prey with ninja-like precision and discipline.

Let this be a warning – when it comes to your wallet around hot saleswomen – keep it in your pants gentlemen.

- Dane Hiser
The Dane Hiser Experience Comedy Website

AWESOME NEWS: 28 September – ‘Laugh Your Tits Off’ at FBi Social at The Kingscross Hotel, with Cam Knight, Dave Eastgate, Toby Coleman, Dave Jory, Dane Hiser, Sam McCool….and more!!
Click here to read more and get your tickets now!!

‘JPeal’ 2011 – Please give generously

Hi, I’m Lee Mack….I mean…Hi, I’m Jordan Paris.

Some people are creative, talented and original. I’m not. I’m one of the few people born without those four things. All I have are my maths skills…..big white teeth, gorgeous hair and an ego Jessica Watson couldn’t sail around.

But all hope is not lost…there is a wealth of brilliant comedy and creative ideas out there, ready for the taking…I mean, ready to pay homage to.

These days, too much is invested in ‘ownership’ – everyone’s too caught up in ‘writing’ their material; too busy ‘thinking’ about what to say and too obsessed with ‘who’ said what joke. I say, enjoy the joke! I mean, if I deliver a joke from a Christmas cracker, we don’t need worry about where it came from, we just simply enjoy its hilarity….and they are hilarious. Besides, it’s all in the delivery. I mean sure, in the future, probably all I’ll be delivering is pizza, but…in the end…I deliver it how I deliver it.

Imitation is the biggest form of flattery. That’s a motto I adopt in all parts of my life, not just the comedy. I say, if you love something, pay tribute to it – tribute its brains out. I mean, for example, I love my mom, and every Sunday, I dress up as her and cook her famous thai green curry for my cousins. At the end of the day, her floral dress is brilliant, but it’s all about how I wear it. I mean come on, let’s have fun with it.

So that’s why I’m starting the ‘JPeal’. There are people out there, like me, who have no original funny material….and they’re missing out on reaching a national audience and meeting Kyle Sandilands. I was fortunate enough to have that opportunity, and I was a hit! Now, I want to use my celebrity to give back.

By donating your good quality jokes, you can ensure that I and my fellow Jordanians (that’s an original name I came up with) will be able to make people laugh and get the attention and appreciation we need to stop crying in the shower.

With your support, there’s no limit to the talent shows we can go on.

So please, this winter, give generously to the ‘JPeal’, and help us spread joy with your jokes.

If the 2011 Australian ‘JPeal’ is a success, and of course it will be, then…we’re going global baby!

- Jordan Paris, let’s have some fun.

I'm a gorgeous man....aren't I?

The Dane Hiser Experience Comedy Website

A Guide For Young Pikers

“Piking” (or saying ‘no’ to invites), has been a grand cultural tradition since as far back as the early Daneteenth Century. Tibetan Monks used to skip many prayer sessions so they could retire to their rooms and masturbate to one of the monk chants from the Top Ten Gregorian Hit List. Ancient Egyptians would often abandon the building of pyramids, with the expression; “hemotep, hiep” (translation: “Fuck it!”) and would go off drinking while knocking on and shouting at the Pharaoh’s tomb, pleading for him to: “Wake the fuck up!”.

Even the stone age primitive man was a piker, he only invented the wheel and stone implements (such as the hammer) so he could have a legitimate excuse for not “getting prehistorically jiggy” with his cave woman every night (he was far too tired to do it all the time, in fact, he actually made the stone hammer to keep his wife quiet).

So as you can clearly see, piking is a part of our history. Please follow these handy piking tips so you can help keep this tradition alive:

1) Never answer the phone. In fact don’t even have a phone. If your friends insist on having some form of communication, suggest that you all get homing pigeons, then kill your pigeon and feed poison to all visiting birds. When the entire line of communication literally dies, claim that ”it just wasn’t meant to be”.

2) Change your address and identity weekly. Suggested name changes: John Doe, Barbados, Carlos the Magnificent, Pants McGee, Captain Big Tits, Barry Boner, Clarence Douglas “The Third”, and of course; Batman.

3) Get on the bad side of your friends, so they won’t want to go out with you.
Suggestions:
- Imply that one of your female friends is a whore and have vodka thrown in your face.
- Ask your friend’s brother or sister if they have “had sex yet”, while sitting on a beanbag wearing a cowboy hat.
- Call them all dicks at every available opportunity and always insist that they all shit you to tears.
- Ask one of your friends to “star” in an embarrassingly bad short film and then broadcast it over the Internet.
- Attempt to ‘jump’ one of your friends at their 21st birthday party.
- Perform really bad Nicholas Cage impressions.
- Mime all your sentences.

4) Creep out your friends so they won’t want to be seen in public with you. For example: use post-it notes instead of texting; carry around a picture of a strange midget in your wallet; or give one of your friends a freakishly seductive lap dance; or just stare at them weirdly and fixedly, while eating a block of cheese. Or if all else fails, insist that they all “call you Daddy.”

5) Dress only in garbage bags.

6) Use the following excuses:
- “I’m tired”
- “I’m really tired”
- “My parents have locked me in the attic”
- “I have a 2 O’clock appointment with the coroner” (then start singing “My Coroner”, to the tune of The Knack’s “My Shorona”)
- “Aliens are probing my ass and I like it”
- I’m busy trying on my sister’s clothes and staging a fashion parade for my dog
- “I’m giving a midget a sponge bath”
- “I’ve been in a accident and am paralysed from the eyebrows down”
- “I’m recording my first country-music album”
- “I’m allergic to air and must live in a bubble”.
- “I fell in the shower and have a monkey up my ass”
- “I can’t get the gimp mask off my face”
- “I was performing genital origami and now I have a cramp”
- “I’m busy rigging all McDonalds playground slippery dips to fire kids into outer space.”

7) Flee the country.

8) Fake your own death, or if necessary, really do die, that’ll shut ‘em up.

BE STRONG, PIKE ON!!!!!

- Dane Hiser

Awesome link:

The Dane Hiser Experience Comedy Website

Dane Hiser gets some action

If Michael Bay made an action movie of my life, possible taglines could go something like this:

* They killed his wife, they kidnapped his son and they turned the world against him. Sure, he didn’t a wife or a son, but now it is time for one man to take a stand, fight back and reclaim the life he never had.

* The world is on the brink of chaos, and its only hope is one man whose life is so devoid of hope and promise, it’s all really quite ironic.

* The world is on the brink of chaos, and its only hope is a man who couldn’t open his suitcase.

* One man is about to journey to the ends of the earth to take down international terrorists, defuse a nuclear bomb and save the world. There’s only one problem, he can’t open his suitcase.

* He’s lost his job. He’s lost his wife. He’s lost all hope. Actually, he’s just lost.

* They’ve taken everything he had. Revenge has never been more pointless.

* One man has been pushed to the point of no return. There’s no public transport and he can’t get a lift.

* Terrorists have launched a nuclear attack of devastating proportions and there is only one man who can stop them. He’s in the toilet.

* Ruthless terrorists hold 400 innocent people hostage in the world’s tallest building. Their only hope is caught in the revolving door.

* Terrorists have launched a nuclear attack on the nation’s capital and only one man can stop him. He’ll just need to check with his carer.

* One man hurtles through the depths of hell in an explosive battle to the death with demons, devils and desperados in the race towards ultimate destruction and chaos. An action movie? No, just another day in the office.

- Dane Hiser

The Boy in the Brackets

BREAKING NEWS – Punctuation turns deadly…..

Seventeen year old University student Bobby Craplife became tragically trapped in between the brackets of his own sentence earlier this week. The part time Dudecierge at a hip downtown nightclub fell victim to the vicious grammatical predator and literally became lost in his own words. Emergency service volunteers are working around the clock to free the boy (which seems rather inappropriate as the boy is not actually trapped in a giant clock…oh well I guess they know what they’re doing…I suppose that’s why they’re out saving lives while I’m stuck here writing pissy stories no one will ever read….my life sucks…oh shit I myself am about to be forever trapped in the brackets…must….break…free…must…prove myself to be better that the dumbass I’m writing about).

Meanwhile, a huge variety concert has been organised to help fund the expensive rescue operation. The generous performers include: Will Smith (singing “Getting Bracketty Wit it“), Celine Dion (attempting to sing “My Sentence Will Go On“), Elton John (performing “Like a Penis in the Wind“, just because he thought it would be funny), Grooveamada (singing “Shaking that Bracket“) and The Wiggles (singing “Wake Up Bobby or You’ll Probably Die in Your Sleep“). The Concert is called: “Breaking the Brackets that Suppress Us“.

This tragedy has also created a series of other grammar-related accidents: One boy was fatally hyphenated last week, another girl suffers from pains in the colon, an elderly man bizarrely developed the imprint of a question mark on the forehead rendering him permanently; indecisive, and a child poked his eye out on an asterisk (I guess you can say he put the “risk” in “asterisk”. Geddit? Geddit?)

These tales of horror have driven the community into panic as authorities urge the public to beware of the power of grammar and have encouraged many people to break their pencils, burn all paper, destroy their computers, silence their English teachers and cut the crutch out of all pictures of Leonardo Dicaprio (the last precaution doesn’t serve any purpose but they just thought it would be fun).

Written by Richard Knobjockey

Awesome links:

The Dane Hiser Experience Comedy Website